Finishing Phase One of Nia Shanks's Beautiful Badass Strength Program - Challenge Notes

It's summertime! I haven't been posting. But I have been feeling fantastic through this summer. I got bored with my planned out fitness macrocycle, which gives me motivation to try to create one that's more interesting, but then my favorite fitness blogger released a six-month program that really called to me. I love Nia Shanks's no-bullshit approach to fitness, her encouragement to focus on the mental aspect of my journey, and her freaking workout programs. Her workouts are boss. The first month consisted of a four-day, upper/lower split, and holy shit I did it. I did sixteen strength workouts in four weeks! The phase one challenge was to focus on non aesthetic victories, which I thought I was pretty good at, but it's not always easy. I tried to stay mindful of my vanity - my desire to look at my body each and every time I pass a mirror or any reflective glass. Sometimes I'm looking at my body with joy and contentment, which is where I want to be. But sometimes I'm looking at it and screaming, "Why is that fat still there, Lisa?!?! Why don't you stop eating so much damn food and drinking so much damn beer so you can get SKINNY like you've always wanted?!?!" and that's not for me. That doesn't serve me. That won't be this Lisa.

Phase One helped me discover some pretty cool things:

• I can lift a 30lb dumbbell over my head doing push presses! I can also safely lower it without disturbing a shoulder injury I experienced last fall.
• I can do front squats! I can fold my arms and let the barbell sit on my shoulders and not choke!
• Lifting regularly makes my job easier and more fun. I pushed a 1600 pound pallet from my warehouse to the next one over this morning, by myself. Yeah it was on a pallet jack but still... I'm telling you, it's amazing that my body can do this.
• People sometimes like my point of view, even when it opposes the typical, "Pain is fat leaving your body! No excuses ever!" mentality. The Facebook group for this program has been so supportive, so friendly, and so fun. A month has gone by and no one has gotten into an argument over the merits of strength vs. cardio or white vs. brown carbs. This is glorious.
• I still want to weigh myself sometimes, even though I've learned repeatedly that the amount I weigh does not at all correlate to how healthy I live and feel.

Phase Two switches us from a four-day split over to three total-body workouts per week. So I gain a day with no need to go to the gym, which is nice. There really wasn't much room in the first phase for me to do any of my favorite at-home cardio videos, like kickboxing, horribly choreographed but fun dancing, and more flowy yoga. We're encouraged to do thirty minutes of anything we consider ENJOYABLE or FUN on our days off from strength training. I'm definitely going to bust out Amy Bento's Rumble this week, and that's exciting!

The challenge from phase two is about nutrition, and I'm working this morning on trying to figure out which of her three tips to try to implement for the month. They're all great. The first one is to identify where things go off track with our eating habits. I already know that right around Thursday or Friday (hey, some weeks it's Tuesday), I stop giving as much fuck about what I'm putting into my body. The work week has me stressed, my meal plan only gets us through Thursday dinner, I want to drink. I've been taking some steps to combat this and am doing well on these.

The second tip is to only enjoy the "less than healthy" food that you TRULY ENJOY - don't snack on stuff just because it's around. I'm pretty good about this. I enjoy ice cream, cakes, cookies on occasion, and usually when we've prepared them at home with mostly whole foods. I'm good at saying no when I don't really want something. In most aspects of life, thankfully.

The third tip is to start over with a clean slate each time I "slip up" on these goals I'm already working. No beating myself up. No exercising it away. No dwelling. Just taking an honest look to investigate the why and how. I'm down with this one. I feel I generally need to focus on progressing from mindless eating to mindful eating. I might try to practice the chew meditation my therapist taught me a few times this month.

Anyways, I'm loving this program! Boss is out this week so I'm in charge of the shop and don't have much time, so dropping down to 3x/week at the gym is right on time woo!

Feeling Great Headed Into Microcycle 3

Hello, Becca!

My very dear friend told me the other day that she liked my last blog post. I was like, "Whoa! How did you know I posted?" Nobody reads my blog, and I don't do shit to promote it. I just like to write here sometimes. My blogs pop into her RSS feed though! So I do know that I have one devoted reader. She has a really cool Etsy shop - HERE is a link.

So, I can't really express how insanely amazing I've been feeling lately. Things in every aspect of my life have been smooth sailing. My marriage has never been better. My husband told me the other day that since I went off of oral contraceptives a little over a month ago (no, we are not trying to conceive), my moods and demeanor have been so pleasant and easygoing. We were both terrified that the hormonal adjustments would wreak havoc on my moods and sanity. I have a history of, well, just being kind of crazy sometimes. As a teenager, I tried at least three different types of birth control before finding one that didn't worsen my PMS symptoms - particularly, making me batshit insane for at least two weeks out of every month. I mean, I was a teenage girl. Teenage girls are batshit insane half the time. Also, I had terrifyingly painful cramps before and during my period, diagnosed as dysmenorrhea. It was a struggle to find the right pill for this chick. Once I found one that didn't send me into a tornado of bitchy, screaming in agony, throwing chairs at my parents insanity - I stuck with it. For eighteen years. More than half my life. Thus, I was afraid that stopping would lead to some of the issues from my past. I can't say that some issues won't pop up, because it's only been a month and a half of adjustment so far, but holy hell this is great! The only negative effect I've noticed is that the first couple of weeks, my face went from dry to oilslicked, but it kind of evened itself out.

Mindfulness has been easier to come by lately, too! It's been a while since I've been meditating this regularly, about five days out of the week. The things in my life that are not going swimmingly right now, like issues at work, dealing with tenants when I really just want to be alone in the evenings, worries about the financial future, etc... these things are existing in the same manner that they were before, but I am relating to them differently. I'm doing really well with knowing what I can change and what I cannot - and how to respond with compassion to the things that I cannot help. I'm doing metta, or lovingkindness meditation at least once each week, and that seems to have helped reduce some of my general annoyances during work and my commute (such a feat! I even let people in my lane sometimes!).

And fitness - wow. I'm still continuing on with my lower intensity program design, which I thought would be torturous, but it's great! I'm actually meeting all my planned goals for strength, cardio, mind/body, and nutrition each week. I promised myself I'd buy some new sneakers if I met all my goals in April, and I freaking did it! So now I have to guy new sneakers which should be exciting, but I'm dreading it. My last pair of Asics was incredible and lasted half a year, but then I bought the same style, same size from Amazon - and they hurt my feet. I've dealt with it since November and worn the hell out of them, so it's time for new shoes regardless... but I don't want to choose a new brand. Brand loyalty is so comforting because, hey! no decisions to make. I need to just head to the outlets in Williamsburg on my own one day and try on several pairs from several stores. I have weird, smelly, ugly foot issues so other peoples' reviews on Amazon don't do much good. I gotta walk in 'em before I commit this time.

Moving into week 5 of my self-designed program, here are the general goals:
- Strength - complete 3 strength sessions per week (exercises listed below)
- Cardio - increase weekly Session RPE to 380 (from 350 last week) and weekly minutes to 100 total, coming from at least three different sessions
- Mind/Body - log at least two hours total per week (can be yoga or meditation) and finish Chapter One of a Yoga Anatomy book I've been "reading" for over a year haha.
- Nutrition - keep at least ONE freaking weekend day (Fri, Sat, or Sun) free of alcohol and sodas. I usually don't like restrictive goals (I prefer something like, "add a bowl of greens daily" because yay adding food), but I would like to see myself be a little more mindful on the weekends, and have my actions mirror my intentions for my self-care. At this point, I usually stop at The Office on my way home from work Friday for my Legend Brown, pick up a 12 pack before getting home, and sometimes pick up more beer or wine on Saturday because we've already killed the 12 pack. I freaking love beer.

Here are the strength exercises I've come up with for this third microcyle. I'm moving from the stability/mobility training into movement training, and aiming to really solidify my form on some basic movements before I add weight back to my routine. Focus has shifted from endurance to general fitness, so there are less sets and slightly longer rests, but still high reps.

The five basic movements that we make are bending/lifting, pushing, pulling, single leg movements (like walking - yeah, we shift from foot to foot... walking is so much more complex than we think about!), and rotational movements. I tried to include some exercises to address all categories.

Microcycle Three Strength Routine:
- Bodyweight squats 2x15
- Single leg kick extensions 2x15
- Forward lunge 1x15
- Triceps dips 2x15
- Band lat pulldowns 2x15
- Pushups 2x15
- Band side crunches 2x15
- Plank tucks 2x15

Some notes:
- I only included one set of lunges because I freaking hate lunges. However, after finishing up the moves on Monday, I felt great and threw in another set of ten lunges because I wanted to! I flippin' wanted to!
- I tried using one chair for my tricep dips on Monday but felt some shoulder discomfort, so I did a set of tricep extensions with the band instead. This afternoon, I plan to grab a second chair and do the dips between them. Such a tough exercise but so strengthening!
- I can still only do three perfect pushups, but I finish the set with incline pushups using our kitchen table.
- Plank tucks are what I call it when I hold plank and alternate slowly moving one knee towards the opposite elbow - kind of like really slow, focused mountain climbers.

I hope anyone reading has a phenomenal May!

Scapulothoracic Stability and Glenohumeral Mobility

Microcycle Two in my personal journey to re-establish foundational stability and mobility is focused on stabilizing the scapula and thoracic spine, enhancing mobility in the glenohumeral (shoulder) joint, building better knee stability, and increasing ankle mobility. This is in line with the progressions taught in the ACE Personal Trainer manual to use with complete beginners to fitness. I'm experimenting with these workouts to see how challenging they seem, how easy they are to show up for, and to ensure that I've got my foundation strong and balanced.

One of my favorite benefits of regular physical activity is that it brings a heightened awareness about my body and the way it moves, my mental disposition towards fitness, and my strengths and weaknesses in all areas of my life. It increases mindfulness, which is a goal I'm always working towards. I've practiced mindfulness training for six years now, but it's still so easy to not think about it for a few days and then suddenly end up with a shoulder injury because I was thinking about fireflies while doing barbell overhead presses. Or suddenly snap at my husband for bringing home girl scout cookies, when I could easily just NOT EAT THEM and am actually just snapping because my hormones are so, so, so annoying right now.

Working through the first microcyle at the beginning of this month, I struggled with guilt for "not doing enough." Jesus freaking christ. I'm doing enough. I actually wrote a workout plan and am testing it out to possibly use with future clients. I woke up at 3:30am nine times during those two weeks to complete a strength workout or just to get some yoga and meditation time. Bird dogs, dead bugs, bridges, and planks are really great exercises for strengthening my core. Still, guilt. So lame. I tried to be mindful of it, give the feeling attention, but not validate the feeling. Because it's invalid. I am enough.

This week, however, I strayed from my well-designed, minimalist program to try a sandbell class after work on Tuesday. I had already done my strength workout before work and had a pretty strenUous day in the warehouse, but I'm itching to do more group fitness classes for the camaraderie. Part of it was the guilt reminding me that only six months ago I was deadlifting and squatting, so why shouldn't I be able to throw around a 6lb sandbell even though I'd already done a strength workout that day?

I am so, so, SO FREAKING SORE! I definitely overdid it. Soreness is to be expected with a new modality, but this almost has me unable to walk. My DOMS is always the worst on day 2 following the workout, and this time it has worsened into day 3. I'm foam rolling, doing some dynamic stretching, and taking it easy, but whoo-whee! I've learned that a) when my plan is to take it easy for four weeks, take it easy and b) I enjoy group exercise fitness, but I need to learn to work at my own pace and ability rather than try to keep up with the rest of the class. Alternate some reps when I need to. Stop trying to be every god damned thing in every god damned area of my life.

The soreness led me to skip my second strength workout in this microcyle, and honestly, I plan on doing it after work today, but I know myself. Myself wants to stop at the bar and get a cold beer on her way home from work today, because myself has has another pretty rough week at work. Myself will only be adding onto the Pile O' Guilt, but that's going to be okay.

Anyways, here are the exercises from my Microcycle Two. The focus is on endurance for these joints and smaller muscles, so I'm completing each high-rep set with less than thirty seconds rest between them. I'm doing this three times a week on alternating days.

2x20 - Band shoulder stacking (holding onto the ends of an anchored resistance band while stacking my shoulders back and down, really focusing on the isolation)
2x20 - Incline pushups off my kitchen table
3x15 - Band internal shoulder rotations
3x15 - Band external shoulder rotations
2x20 - Thoracic openers from quadruped position
3x15 - Chair squat
2x20 - Ankles rock back and forth
2x20 - Bird dogs
3x15 - Dead bugs
3x45seconds - Planks

2016 Update

I don't have any excuses available for why I haven't blogged in over a year. So I won't provide any. Jump to the update!

I earned my ACE Personal Trainer certification last month, which provided the CECs (continuing education credits) to renew my Group Fitness Instructor certification. Both are good through spring 2018! This is so exciting to me! I might not even use the certifications to earn money or provide services, but I will definitely use the information in my own fitness and health programming. I think it's a good thing to push myself to continue to learn new things, especially new things with tests that I can take to prove to myself that I'm comprehending the information. And prove to myself that I'm not worthless, stupid, or pointlessly taking up space on this planet.

Major fitness goals this year are to quit smoking (Jesus freaking Christ, smoking is against everything I have become) and to do a pull-up. I also included in my macrocycle goals that I'd like to be able to bust out ten real push-ups on the floor. I've done several weight training programs, but push-ups remain my nemesis. Currently I can do three or four before I use an incline to crank out the rest (I read in New Rules of Lifting that this is more effective in training for pushing movements than doing push-ups on my knees.).

Married life is still fantastic. We're both still balancing our demanding jobs and commutes with precious hours of time together in the evenings and on weekends. I wish we could travel more this year, but we're still blessed. We have a camping trip to Asheville, NC planned in May and will be flying to Denver to visit my sister-in-law at the end of the summer. I've never been to either city before, and both are well-known for having amazing beer, so I'm pretty stoked on our destinations for 2018. I'm just pouty because I want to plan a cruise. Which is ridiculous, because I couldn't see straight while driving for a week after my cruise last fall, and I'm always just pushing away the thoughts about how lame crew life must be and all the waste being dumped at sea. 

There are still a lot of areas in life where my actions are not matching up with my values and intentions. But that's okay, because I see the same thing in every single person I know. We're all doing the best we can in each moment.

February Bucket List Update

I'm here today to give a quick update on some progress I've made on my yearly bucket list so far in 2015. If you'd like to read the full list or get some inspiration to make your own, go read my last post. After all, time is continuous. Just because it's January 1st doesn't mean a person needs to set some goals. Just because it's not the new year doesn't mean a person might not be itching to write out a fun list of things to see/do/accomplish. Lists are fun year-round. Here are the months in which lists are fun to write:

• January
• February
• March
• April
• May
• June
• July
• August
• September
• October
• November
• December

See? Lists are fun.

Here's some of what I've done so far from my list:

• Read fifteen fiction books. I've read two. 
• Read four nonfiction books. I've read one. It was the New Rules of Lifting for Women book and it is amazing.
• Cook a new recipe for Jeffrey six times. Once! I made some cheeseburger quesadillas. Mmm.
• See my sister's kids once every other month. I've seen her girls TWICE already this year! I still haven't seen my elusive nephew, but he's 18 years old so that's normal. 
• Go to six movies in the theater, one alone. I haven't been on my solo trip yet, but Jeff and I saw the Game of Thrones IMAX experience last weekend and it was so good! Each little detail and every little noise was so much bigger!
• Try the New Rules of Lifting program and track for one month. Success! I've tracked for just over a month, and I've been able to increase weight or progress the movement almost each time I've done the workouts from phase 1. I'm still sticking with the program, though my workouts are more often 2 per week than the 3 suggested by the authors. The objective is to gain strength and I'm meeting that objective, so it feels great!
• Write 10 thank you notes to friends and family. I wrote one. To my sister. For bringing her kids to see me. 
• Write in my journal once per month. I think I actually wrote in my journal like three times last month, which is a lot. I've been using the journal to reflect on the virtue study practice I'm engaged in and just to scribble. It's been a couple of weeks though, and I can hear it calling to me. Well, I can hear all the voices in my head that start to get louder and busier until I finally take care of or accept what's been bugging me.
• Eat at Eckhard's. Finally! We've lived around the corner from this highly-rated German restaurant for several years and never tried it out, since we heard it was expensive. It is pretty expensive. But the portion sizes are HUGE, the beers offered are impressive for our rural area, and the taste of everything we ordered was phenomenal. I had a baked salmon dish that ended up being like a big salmon wellington, wrapped in pastry paper and everything. So good! This was our anniversary dinner a few weeks ago.

The next things I want to focus on from the list are pushing myself to go to more group fitness classes for the camaraderie and challenge, more thank you notes, the language and hip hop podcasts, and continuing my core value/virtue study. This week's virtue focus is gratitude and contentment, so I'm sitting around appreciating what I've got and trying to resist some of my more consumerist tendencies. 

Blessings and love to all!

Screw Resolutions. Here's My 2015 Bucket List!

I don't do resolutions, because I don't like to fail so concretely. I fail softly enough on a day-to-day basis. I do, however, make a small bucket list every year, and I really wish I could remember where I got the idea. I know it was from another blogger several years ago, but google is not helping me out. Anyways, so this idea is not mine. No credit to me for this.

36 goals for 365 days! Like I already mentioned, I think of this list as more of a bucket list than a list of goals. I like to fill it with things that get me excited about the next twelve months. Some of the things are just for fun, like this year's plan to start and finish three cross-stitch projects. Some of them are fun but also push me a little outside of my comfort zone. I've got a goal to get to the movie theater six times this year (I think I only went twice last year! It's so expensive and I fall asleep hrmph.) to include one trip by myself. I have a ridiculously illogical fear of going to the movies by myself, and I've never done it. Gonna do it! Some of the goals are really not fun at all, but they're small things that I know I'll take pride in completing and will lead to a greater overall sense of fulfillment. The biggest example of this is my spring and fall cleaning goal. Groan.

I'll post my list here, and I'll try to check in on the blog every once in a while to report my progress. I've already gotten a few of my items take care of, and am feeling energized and optimistic about the new calendar year beginning!

1. Attend a session at Ekoji in Richmond once.
2. Go camping three times.
3. Go on one overnight trip by myself.
4. Read fifteen fiction books.
5. Read four nonfiction books.
6. Cook a new recipe for Jeffrey six times.
7. Teach a fitness class to someone.
8. Obtain my personal trainer certification.
9. See my sister's kids at least bimonthly.
10. Hand write three love notes to Jeffrey.
11. Go to six movies in the theater, at least one solo.
12. Go on three day hikes.
13. Walk the Noland Trail six times.
14. Track steps per week and miles per month with the Fitbit.
15. Get rid of three bags full of clothes.
16. Follow the core virtues practice twice through.
17. Spring clean in April, Fall clean in November.
18. Finish three cross-stitch patterns.
19. Complete my first quilt just for myself.
20. Try the New Rules of Lifting program and track for one month.
21. Write ten thank you notes to friends and family.
22. Visit Philly family.
23. Find and subscribe to a decent hip hop blog.
24. Participate in four races, at least one 10K or longer.
25. Walk down the driveway with Jeff twenty times.
26. Write in my journal once per month.
27. Obtain liability insurance for fitness instructors.
28. Eat at Echard's.
29. Visit three new breweries and three new wineries.
30. Try a comedy routine at an open mic night.
31. Visit the mountains in the fall with Jeffrey.
32. Consolidate daily stuff from the tote to the planner.
33. Download some language learning podcasts and listen.
34. Read a Rumi poem once each month.
35. Sew myself a pencil skirt.
36. Try two new yoga teachers.

I hope someone out there gets any kind of inspiration from my list!

Fitness This Week 12/17/2014

Hello! Much has been going on. I was a bridesmaid to my gorgeous sister-in-law at the beginning of November, and had a blast at her wedding! The following weekend, we attended Jeff's friend's wedding at the Virginia Living Museum in Newport News. It was such a neat experience being able to browse the exhibits with no one else there. Then, I got to see Atmosphere for the ninth or tenth time, and it was a fantastic show as usual. I always love seeing folks play at The National in Richmond.

The last week in November, Jeff and I finally got to go on our long-planned eastern Caribbean cruise! We drove to Port Canaveral and hopped aboard the Carnival Sunshine to visit Nassau, Saint Thomas, San Juan, and Grand Turk. All except for Nassau were new ports for both of us! The level of beauty once you get farther east into the Caribbean is unparalleled by anything I've seen in real life before. Just random rock islands jutting out into the sea, waves breaking and spraying against them... it was so lovely. We realized when we got home that we'd done a great job at being in the moment while on vacation. We didn't worry about work, chores, or guilty feelings about the amounts of food we were eating. We just savored each flavor as it blessed our tongues. It was heavenly! There are a ton of contradictory remarks out there in ship reviews about Carnival Sunshine - it's marketed as a new ship, when it's really just the Carnival Destiny with a huge refurbishment and overhaul. It's a pretty old ship. My overall impression is that the ship is still in great shape, the staff were pleased to be aboard the Sunshine, and that areas that get too crowded can just be avoided. There was always so much going on that if we got to a comedy show and the line looked too long, we just figured out a more quiet place we could people-watch or catch some live music. We spent a ton of time in the Red Frog Pub, because not a lot of other folks did, and because there was trivia there! Trivia that we were actually kind of good at! We almost won three times - but only truly won once. Our prize was a giant 101oz tube of Thirsty Frog beer!

Most folks struggle with fitness on vacation and right afterwards. I am no exception! I actually felt lazy, and slightly guilty last week when I realized my husband had done more workouts than I had... this is just such a drastic reversal from the past few years! I'm so proud of that man. He really works it when he's got the energy. I, however, have been full of excuses: Mom is still visiting, and she might get mad if I don't spend more time with her instead of going to the gym every day. It's December, so my body wants a few extra pounds to keep me warm this winter. I put on ten pounds every winter and then lose it again, which is totally fine and healthy (no, it's not.).

Sigh.

Anyways, this week I'm trying something new. I'm following my first major rule when it comes to building new habits (or building them back up, because sometimes you just go back a few steps): START SMALL! I really just want to have more active days than nonactive days, but having checklists or plans that dictated which workout I'd do on which day have sometimes been more of a problem for me than an aide. It's easy for me to get frustrated with missing a planned workout, and then frustration easily morphs into self-loathing, which sometimes triggers very self-destructive things. Usually beginning with skipping MORE workouts.

So this week I've decided I've just got a "magic number" of workouts that I'd like to hit. I want to get in eight workouts. This is still a lot by many standards! My fitness interests are so widespread, and I like to include a lot of variation each week to avoid boredom. I intend to get three strength workouts completed (working on week 1 of a Weider X DVD system I picked up super cheap on a Walmart Rollback deal), three yoga sessions, and two cardio sessions.

We'll see how this goes. So far I am doing great! I did the second of three Weider workouts this morning, got a great hour of self-guided yoga in yesterday, and have already done one of the cardio sessions. So all that remains is one more strength, two yoga sessions, and one more cardio workout which should occur after work today at the YMCA. I'm hoping that seeing the little checklist will motivate me to check the items off quickly, and then I'll have some leftover energy for bonus workouts over the weekend. But there's a huge possibility that I'll see the last little checkmark and think, "I can wait until Sunday to do that last yoga session, I'm relaxing now!" For now, I'll just try to stay in this moment on this day, and hope that I make it to my cardio date at the YMCA. The hubby and I have big plans to go out for Northern Neck Burgers tonight since they're donating part of tonight's proceeds to the local high school's wrestling team... whatever, it's an excuse! Haha :-)

Staunton River State Park Camping Trip - Part Two

I'm totally going to finish this trip recap!

I don't have any more fun pictures to post with this one, though. Wait! Maybe I have a picture of our campfire. I'll check in a minute. Now I must focus on remembering where the hell we went two weeks ago.

We woke up sweating in our tent, because it was super humid that weekend and never even got chilly overnight. I think that next year I'll aim for two weekends after Labor Day. I like camping to require our awesome, flannel, double sleeping bag. We sparked a pretty great morning campfire and made some delicious breakfast quesadillas! Jeff did a great job making sure our foil packets didn't leak the eggs out like they usually end up doing. We like to use chopped up kielbasa, eggs, onions, peppers, and plenty of cheese.

The bathhouses at Staunton River are a little older than some of the newer ones in state parks we've visited. They don't have the family shower rooms on the outside of the buildings. My shower was a little cold, but that was welcome to help me prepare for the sticky air outside. We got all cleaned up, straightened up the campsite and tent, and headed out for our winery adventure.

We visited a few of the wineries on the Southern Virginia Wine Trail a couple of years ago on a trip to see some of my family in South Boston. I wanted to sample some more, and check out a few new ones, so we started our day with a beautiful, back-road drive to Annefield Vineyards. This began the day of living-room-tastings - each place we visited had tastings offered directly inside their homes. This was a new experience for us, and happened at all three of our stops - it was such a nice treat! It feels like you're visiting a friend. The old farmhouse at Annefield has been renovated to an amazingly beautiful condition, and since they talked about plans to build a separate tasting room, I'd hurry out there to visit before the main house is off-limits! The wines were mostly dry and very tasty.

Our next stop was Hunting Creek Vineyards and another living room tasting area. Their wines are delicious and cleverly named, including Temptation, Indulgence, and Repentance. We loved all of them and bought a bottle of the Decadence, I think. I love the art on their labels. They told us that a kid in the area drew it. It's remarkable! Perhaps as a lover of trees, I am biased.

Jeffrey was very excited about our final stop at White Oak Mountain Meadery, because mead is old and ancient, and he likes old and ancient stuff. We called ahead as the website asks, and Betsy East told us to, "come on out!" We were delighted to be invited inside for tasting and a lesson about mead, right at the dinner table of Mr. and Mrs. East. We learned about the entire process of attracting bees, collecting honey, and all the different ways to combine it with yeast and water to create delicious, alcoholey mead. I was amazed at the variety of flavors between the bottles - even ones that had no fruit added tasted drastically different depending on factors in bottling. If you visit the meadery, be prepared to listen and learn about everything that goes into this art.

Did we eat lunch? I don't think we ate lunch. Wow, that's a lot of alcohol tasting with no lunch. We had some snacks in the car (CHILI CHEESE FRITOS CHYEAH). Wait! We totally had lunch! We decided to have a late lunch and then cook dinner at the campsite (since we cheated the night before and went out for Mexican). We took a break between Hunting Creek and the meadery to enjoy some grub from Southern Plenty, a charming spot in the historic downtown area of South Boston. We ordered at the counter... I cannot remember what we ate at all. I do remember ooohing and aaahing about it for the duration of our meal. And I remember that they had a ton of local art, canned goods, and other neat things to browse through while we waited on our lunch.

So, phew! After our adventurous day, we headed back to camp and lit the fire to grill some hot dogs.

We enjoyed a few hours sitting far away from our campfire because it was too hot, then turned in for another night of no-blanket-sleeping. Despite the humidity, our trip was very fun! I love how cozy our campsites always end up being.

Staunton River State Park Camping Trip - Part One

My husband and I finally got our camping gear out of the closet and went on a weekend trip! I put it off in the spring, summer got busy with Mom's surgery, and I couldn't stand the idea of a whole year going by without pitching the tent and wrapping some breakfast quesadillas in aluminum foil to toss on the fire. I wanted to throw a quick entry together so that I'll remember some of the special places we stopped during our adventure.

We had to wait around for the DirecTv technician to come by and install our new HD receiver on Friday morning. Jeff has been wanting to upgrade for a while, but I was resistant. I don't like paying extra for the HD when we can't use the included On Demand features (no internet at home). Also, I have hours of old Fit TV programming saved on the DVR receiver we've been using, and didn't want to sacrifice some of those old favorites. I finally conceded and agreed to the new receiver, putting the old receiver in our den. Sheesh. I feel like a moron for all my, "It won't even be that big a difference!" arguments... it's like we have a brand new TV! I almost wanted to cancel the trip to veg out in front of it all weekend, but no! The great outdoors awaited us!

We took the route I used to drive to Longwood - I64 to I295, use the Route 10 cut-through to I95, hop on 288 North, and hop off for the long haul on Route 360 West. We stopped at Walmart to pick up a new cooler, since we'd been meaning to for a while and saw the trip as a great excuse. Next up was lunchtime!

I searched for a small, locally-owned and well-reviewed place on TripAdvisor while Jeff navigated the Friday afternoon traffic. Twenty minutes later, we were at Hatcher Dining and Catering in Amelia Courthouse, and were greeted with an enthusiastic, "HELLO!" from the woman behind the counter and the other table of patrons enjoying a late lunch. Jeff got a tuna salad special, and I ordered the grilled ham and cheese with their special side for the day, green beans. Everything was super tasty. Their desserts looked fresh, but we were too stuffed to eat anything else... so I got some pecan pie and carrot cake to enjoy later tee hee.

A few hours and a few fun back roads later, we found Staunton River State Park and got our campsite all set up. The tent was still in great condition, our canopy was sturdy, and our two camping chairs made for a perfect home for the next two days.

We headed to South Boston for dinner with a craving for some Mexican grub. I've got some family in this area, and have seen a few Facebook posts of them at Mi Caretta, so we headed there to check it out. Holy guacamole! It was fantastic. I tried the Texas Quesadilla, which I try anywhere that offers it as a dish. It's just like the biggest freaking quesadilla you can get. It's got all the proteins in it, plus cheesy goodness, and onions and peppers. Jeff had the shrimp chimichanga and made lots of funny moaning noises that indicated lots of enjoyment over on that side of the booth. We also had a good time speculating about who would sit in this chair:

Heh heh. Jeff snapped another picture of me sitting in the low chair, but it's on his phone, and I have already bugged him at work enough this week for things like: finding some kirtan music for me, making pasta salad for me, buying sandwich baggies for me, etc.

Okay this trip report is getting a little more long-winded than I'd expected! Stay tuned for part two, in which I will cover our excellent winery sampling on Saturday complete with a meadery! Bees?

Self-Care: We All Have Our Own Definition

Not too much is going on. My emotional health has been much better. It always seems to improve when I'm on top of my self-care. Self-care is such a buzzword these days. I think I've seen three or four Tiny Buddha posts directly focused on self-care or self-love in the past couple of weeks. The term can mean tons of different things to different people. I think it's a good idea to write down your definition of self-care and what it looks like in your life.

Self-care for me means:

• Mindfulness. When I am loving myself, I pay attention to my thoughts, desires, emotions, and physical sensations as they arise, and I try not to judge anything. This is the same thing I'd do with a friend I dearly love. Pay attention. It does not look like me shuffling through my day worrying about the past or future, ignoring my body's sensations.
• Good food. My body craves nourishment from foods high in vitamins and nutrients. Sometimes, I just want my hunger to go away, so I cram horribly unhealthy foods into my body, thinking it will satisfy me. This usually leads to feelings of regret, unworthiness, and overall blah. Self-care looks like a ton of greens, sweet potatoes, chicken, and other foods that I enjoy that also give me healthy benefits.
• Creativity. I'm caring for myself when I schedule a few minutes each week to be creative, even if I feel like I'm being irresponsible by not spending that time doing housework or something else in my "busyness" trap. I spend a few minutes stitching some seams, counting cross-stitches, or just writing out a few words that come from my gut.
• Slowing down. It's so easy to forget about the amazing strides I've taken with fitness. Sometimes all I can think about are the fitspo models, who are often photoshopped and who have very different genes than I do. So I want to ramp up my workouts, dial up the intensity, and go all out in order to become the fittest woman on the planet. This usually leads to burnout or injury, which just starts me down a long road away from self-care. My body needs more time in slow, meditative motion. 

My ideas of self-care are constantly evolving. Some days, self-care looks very stereotypical - I take a long bath, paint my toenails, and curl up with a good book and a kitty on my lap. Most days, however, no one can really see the effort that goes into slowly building up a sense of worth. Most of us have to put in a lot of work to feel valid enough to walk this earth with everyone else.

Catching Up Part Two... And Being Here

It's still so difficult to just be here. I'm daydreaming about the cruise in November. I'm thinking about memories from college and before and after and everywhere. I'm wondering where Jeff is on his drive to work. I'm anywhere but here. Here is a little tough. Anyways, more catching up:

Crafting:
The sewing area in my home is tucked into a corner of the guest room, so I didn't try too hard to make time with my machine while my folks were in town. I'm almost finished with the huge quilt top I've been working on for a special gift - just three long seams to go on the main piece, and then I'll figure out what type of border I want, find the perfect backing, and hire someone to put it all together and do the quilting. I did get to work on a delightful cross-stitch and have almost finished. It's from the new color pack that DMC thread is selling. The new colors are amazingly vibrant, and I'm hoping to hang this tropical piece on the wall in my sewing area and then build an awesome tropics theme as my area grows.

Travel:
I mentioned in my last post that Jeff and I were able to spend some time in Baltimore, and we've also been doing some other fun things. We stayed in a cabin at Occoneechee State Park with my sister and her husband in April, and all of us went to a great wine festival in Clarksville. I went to another wine festival at Saude Creek with a friend and her husband, and really enjoyed their setup. There has been lots of great wine and beer tasting this spring and summer.
Jeff and I drove to Myrtle Beach over the Fourth of July to spend the day with my aunt and uncle at an ocean club they belong to. There was a giant pool, cookout food, fun on the beach, and yummy drinks. I stuck to Captain and pineapple, which is my favorite summertime sunshine drink. Jeff got a horrible sunburn! I've never seen him burn before, so this was a huge deal. My poor guy. My skin somehow escaped the horror this year. I'm working on my lawn mower tan, which just consists of wearing something strapless when I cut grass. I really enjoyed laying out last weekend and have been contemplating heading to our little river beach this weekend for a few hours, but who knows how I'll feel in a few days. All I can really know is right now, right here. And while right here is a person who would love to head out to lay on the sand, right here is the beginning of my work day. All week I dream up the fun and exciting things I plan to do on the weekend, and then most weekends I either feel compelled to get everything possible done around the house or I feel like doing nothing but rest.

So here. I still have that feeling of not enough lurking in my brain too often. I have gotten up early for exercise and meditation all three mornings this week. I even did mini second workouts the last two afternoons. I got all caught up on the laundry and cleaning, and the grass is looking great. I got seven and a half hours of sleep last night. It's not enough, though. I still feel deficient almost all the time. It's not hopeless; I do a great job at recognizing when I'm caught in that mindset and then trying to honestly look at the truths that help me see that I have the same inherent worth that I see in everyone else. It's just annoying and frustrating that despite working as hard as I can, reading so many books about acceptance, making better choices for myself and the world - this little, persistent voice telling me that I need to be doing more remains so strong in my awareness.

It feels great to put that all into words. For the past month, I've been lost and listening only to that voice, ignoring the voices of compassion and love that shine through as soon as I stop striving so hard and appreciate exactly where I stand. I forgot that these feet touch this earth so many times a day, and that each step is a moment where I can touch the presence that permeates everyone and everything in this universe.

Catching Up While Being Here

It's been an incredibly busy start to the summer. I'm feeling a little uprooted. My blog is a great place to try to lay a few outlines and set a few goals. Trying to do all the thinking and planning in my head has not been helpful, as usual.

Mom's Surgery:
My mom had brain surgery last month. Brain surgery! She has had a very rare meningioma for several years, which is a noncancerous tumor. Doctors at the University of Virginia hospital attempted to remove it in 2008 with a full craniotomy, but her heart stopped under the anesthesia for several minutes, and the surgery was cancelled. It was one of the scariest experiences of my lifetime so far. Everyone agreed that there was no need to try again if the tumor stayed put. Unfortunately, it began to grow again about a year ago, threatening to damage her optic nerve or other sensitive areas of the brain. A new technology to remove these small tumors has been developed since her last scare, and she was able to have it removed with a much less invasive procedure involving a slit in the eyelid, a bunch of scary stuff I don't like to think about involving scraping and sucking and drilling a hole into her skull, and voila! No tumor!

Mom and my stepdad Ronnie were in town for about a month surrounding the surgery. We all spent some time sightseeing in Baltimore for a few days before her procedure at Johns Hopkins, which was really meaningful. I enjoyed spending some quality time with my parents. Every other time they've visited since their move to South Dakota, they've been almost constantly busy with rental maintenance and visiting other folks. Jeffrey and I were able to have a few romantic moments during that week too. We saw Atmosphere in Philadelphia, traveled a few new back roads together, dorked out at the Aquarium and Science Center, and found some new favorite beers at Heavy Seas Brewery. He was incredibly supportive through all my moodiness before, during, and following the surgery and stress.

I'm so happy the surgery went so well, and that I was able to have so much time with my folks around. However, having company jacks my schedule up in a major way. Having guests in the guest room means that workouts and kale smoothies in the morning seem too loud, and that despite them telling me not to worry about waking them, I just don't feel good about not letting them sleep through my 5am get-ready-for-work bullshit. I really fell out of my daily workout habit, and didn't put a lot of thought or mindfulness into my nutrition during the entire month of June. Throw in some added stress, a week alone at work while the boss went to a wedding, and less sleep than normal. This is a huge part of my feeling uprooted. For the record though, as soon as Ma and Ronnie drove away, I was sobbing and whining about how I wish I could see them everyday.

Fitness Certification:
I passed! I am officially an ACE-certified Group Fitness Instructor! I was so nervous on test day, but I managed to pass with a slightly above average score. I'd been daydreaming about hooking up with the yoga instructor in Deltaville to discuss possibly lending her space to me for a boot camp, but I'm still feeling way too inexperienced and insecure. Plus, I put all my daydreams on hold while Ma was in town and healing. I really feel it would be smartest to actually attend a few different classes with varying instructors and styles, and continue to practice on my own to find my "instructor personality," which sounds lame but totally won't be when I find mine.

More to come in a few days.

Finished Friendship Cross-Stitch

Just stopping in to share a picture of a piece I finished up for my best friend's birthday. I finished a few months ago but didn't want to post any pictures anywhere online until after I gave her the gift. This was my first work on linen, 28 count, and I used DMC threads. I was hoping to post a link to the pattern designer, but googling is not helping me out with this, so... sorry.

Anyways, LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!!!!!!!!

Stitching is fun!

I'm in the middle a of a HUGE, top-secret quilting project, in which I am actually just piecing together a quilt top and then sending it off to someone else to quilt and bind. So I haven't been getting much stitching in. I'm hoping to work on some bookmarks in a few weeks after I get the bulk of this quilt top finished and sewn.

ACE Exam Booked; Worries Kick In

First off, acknowledgement: It's been a while. I went to South Dakota. I had holidays. I had my first wedding anniversary. I have not blogged. I've been feeling a little unsure of myself, and it's pretty difficult to etch my thoughts and beliefs into permanent blogditude during a time full of doubt. Today, though, I made a commitment! I booked my ACE Group Fitness Exam, to be taken May 30th in Richmond. My worried mind clicked into overdrive as soon as I hit the button to submit my final payment.

This makes no sense. I don't intend to become a full-time group fitness instructor upon certification, and I might not even want to work part-time. I already feel exhausted with my long commute and early hours with my full-time gig. I didn't even stick to a commitment to attend group fitness classes in Gloucester, because waiting around for 45 minutes felt so burdensome when I could be headed home to eat dinner and climb into bed before 8pm. I don't want to commit to anything on weekends. I love having the ability to just take off to the mountains or visit friends across the state. Truthfully, I don't like much about making commitments. I might not ever teach a group fitness class, even if I do earn my cert.

I have bullshitted so much with my study materials. I keep a textbook in my tote, but the last time I pulled it out to do any reading was over three months ago. There's been no consistency, though I definitely get caught up and interested when I do take the time to stick my nose in the books. It's going to be tough to stick to the study plan I finished up this morning, even though I planned a liberal amount of time to absorb all the information.

I could fail. I could quite literally fail by failing the exam. I could pass the exam and then do nothing with it, which could easily translate to feelings of failure. My brain seems to be channeling its turn-these-feelings-into-failure-and-regret mechanism much more than usual.

Or...

I could fail the exam and be proud of myself for making an attempt to learn something new. I could pass the exam, never teach a class, but feel a little pride in knowing that I mastered a new skill. I could pass the exam and explore my options in actually using it to teach some classes and have some fun. Who knows? I know that today, I'm nervous but proud of myself for making a commitment to take the test.

Pillows and perspective

It's Friday! Despite being off for Columbus Day on Monday, this week has felt pretty long. There's not much going on at work, still, so I've had lots of time to do some textbook reading for the group fitness instructor certification and to sit here wishing I were at home being this lazy.

I turned a finished cross-stitch into a Christmas pillow for Jeff's dad and stepmom! I'm pretty excited that I managed to sew a pillow without it looking dumpy. I even learned how to do a ladder stitch to close up the opening that I stuffed it with. It's not perfect, but you can only see the imperfections if you're being hypercritical and looking for them... which reminded me that most of the disappointments I find in myself are only apparent because I'm being hypercritical. If I take a step back and look at the pillow as a whole, I'm completely in love with my work. It's all about perspective, and I sometimes forget I'm allowed to choose my perspective.

There will be a picture of said pillow after Christmas. I never know who might stumble across my blog. I've been working on some ornaments and have plans for a few other sewn gifts. I love the holidays. There's already Christmas stuff up in Walmart and I'm always so happy when it first goes up. Yes, I'll be tired of it in a few weeks, but for now I'm savoring each time I walk through the garden center and see their perfect rows of fake trees. And shiny things! Yay!

Fitness has been pretty good lately, but I still feel like I've lost the strong motivation I'd had over the past few years. Which is frustrating. It's like I woke up one day a few months ago and just didn't like working out anymore. Plus, while it seemed like a breeze to complete Body Revolution last year, this time really messed with my knees. I had to take some time off. So I've been switching it up a bit and bouncing around to find the workouts that I enjoy. If there's one fitness tip that will help keep anyone healthy, it's to enjoy your fitness program. I'm doing some dumbbell and bodyweight work at home and keeping track of my strength gains on paper. I was doing a step aerobics class through the parks and recreation department a county south of mine, since it's on my home from work, but the timing really messes with me. I have to wait around an hour before it starts, and then get home about a half an hour before I like to be in bed. I skipped both sessions this week and emailed the instructor that I hope to come back next week, but it's pretty unlikely. I did go home and workout each of the times I missed, so I didn't beat myself up too badly. Evening commitments are just not a good idea for me. That time that I like to be in bed by? It's 7:30pm. I wake up really, really, really early.

Not too much else is going on. I have an evening planned with a great friend from college in Richmond tonight, and then tomorrow I'm making some ravioli which I'm pretty jazzed about. Sunday we have family dinner with Jeff's family, and we'll get to give his dad and sister some birthday presents. And also: pumpkin cheesecake. Jeff's going to make some, I think. YAY!

I hope everyone out there has a fantastic weekend and is feeling light and open.

Highlight Reels

I'm so glad that many of the civilian workers on base have been called back into work today. I missed a few of them personally, and I know that almost all of them will be feeling better and more at ease returning to their regular work schedules.

Last week gave me some time and space to notice a few things about my behavior when there isn't a lot of work to be done. The new fiscal year means that it will be some time before the buyers start ordering regularly again, and there were fewer folks around to come in and need any attention. There are still lots of items coming in that need to be processed and delivered, and there are always bigger tasks I could take the initiative to complete around the shop, but mostly I've been embracing the chance for a little time to kill and trying to focus on all the gratitude I'm feeling. Turns out it's hard to feel grateful when I'm using my free time at work by mindlessly browsing the internet and compulsively checking my Facebook feed at least 3-4 times an hour.

A couple of my Facebook friends, one from high school and one from college, noted some similar feelings in their statuses over the weekend. One pointed out that seeing all the activities that others were doing didn't help with her already-present feeling of "not having a life." Another said that it was painful to see that everyone else is reaching their dreams while she didn't feel the same, and that she tries so hard but never seems to feel as accomplished as those on her feed.

It made me remember a quote I'd read, and I went out to find it. Turns out it was made by a minister from North Carolina:

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel” ~ Steve Furtick

Man that sure makes me feel better. Facebook is, for most folks, simply their highlight reel. I try to post a variety of my own celebrations and concerns, but I'm just as guilty of not being fully authentic there as I believe most others are. I commented to one of the friends and mentioned the above quote, but then took a glance at my own page. The most recent posts were a funny comment on the new wings at McDonalds (look, you can relate to me because I eat bad food sometimes, and I'm soooo hilarious!), a spontaneous check-in at a brewery with a good friend (look at how awesome I am getting out and doing things like drink snobby beers!), a youtube video of an old De La Soul song about perseverance (I'm soooo old school and I care about everyone affected by the shutdown!), and a profile pic change to a picture from March 2012 of Jeffrey and I dancing at my buddy's wedding (look at this dreamy look on my face, I'm soooo in love and my relationship is perfect!).

It's all pretty funny. But also kind of sad. Because what I didn't post is that I spent a good part of the weekend feeling like complete crap. My hormones are batty right now, I am facing some major feelings of professional inferiority, my bad mood rubs off on poor Jeff and I then feel guilty that he spends extra time doing little things to make me smile, when I don't even feel like doing anything to make myself smile, ahhhh! It gets bad. It gets bad for everyone at times, I'm pretty sure. But they don't post about it on Facebook, or if they do, they get a few comments reminding them how grateful they should be feeling or what they should be doing to get out of their funk. I've tried a lot of shoulds when I get into my ruts, and I've tried ignoring the shoulds and just letting the darkness wrap me up in a bundle of suffering. I'm finding that balance improves every aspect of my life, and that includes the ruts.

I feel better today because I spent a few hours just letting myself lay around and accept my funk with open arms. Then I took some time to express to my husband how much it means to me that he lets me be in a bad mood and lets me take space when I want space. I rested and went to bed early so that I could wake up an hour early this morning and do a little of the yoga that my body and mind have been craving, and then I sat for five minutes in meditation despite aiming for ten minutes. I didn't beat myself up for not sitting through the unease any longer, and I didn't turn my phone on to see who on my Facebook feed was doing life better than me this morning. It's hard to be vulnerable, even online, and I'm going to try to remember that as the constant urges to check the feed creep in, and then jealousy and insecurity follow as I scan that page of what everyone wants to look like. I'm lucky enough to have a few relationships in my life that can be vulnerable and messy, and that's where I have glimpses of the true view of humanity.

The Symphony of Contentment

One of my favorite blogs is Postive Provocations; I love when a new post pops up in my RSS feed. This week's post focused on contentment, particularly in a material sense, and a poem Zeenat referenced really touched me:

“To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury;

and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable;

and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly,

talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds,

to babes and sages, with open heart;

to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely,

await occasion, hurry never; in a word,

to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common.

This is to be my symphony.” ~ William Ellery Channing

I've been reading blogs about minimalism for a few years, and have taken little steps in my own life to embrace the idea. I've gotten rid of a ton of things by throwing a couple of yard sales, donating several boxes to a local charity, and pulling more than half my clothes that aren't worn off the hangers and out of the drawers. Okay, so, those clothes are all in a giant pile in the corner of my closet because I intend to use the fabric for sewing projects in the future... but still.

One of my favorite ideas for finding financial freedom is to live as a one-income household even while two incomes are being earned. This would allow us to save nearly half our income (or put it towards our debt snowball, which we're pretty much doing already, just not through my budgeting or planning), embrace more frugal living tips, and be prepared if one of us were to need to go without an income for a period of time. It would be pretty challenging though, especially with the amount we spend on gas and vehicle maintenance for our lengthy commutes, my cigarette habit, and our tendency to enjoy a meal out more often than we really need to. I like to think that I have the words "need" and "want" defined pretty well in my life, but truthfully, I don't. I've never known the experience of truly needing something that I can't get or don't already have.

I take pride in the fact that neither of us spend much on material goods simply for the sake of having them. I bought a pair of black heels on clearance for $7 last week and realized it was the first time I'd bought shoes in more than three years. I ask for a new pair of workout shoes each year for my birthday and wear the previous year's as work shoes. Jeff goes through work shirts a little more often, but he picks new ones up cheap since he's resigned to the fact that gravity and mustard just really hate him. We stick to the same, inexpensive shower products and enjoy all our home decor and furniture, even though at least three-quarters of it is secondhand.

But I get extremely uneasy when I think about a potential decrease in income. Things work so well right now. We find small ways to cut back nearly every month, whether it be on the grocery bill or less trips to the Mexican restaurant (I'm going to make some homemade quesadillas tonight) or me finding ways to cut back on the amount of cigarettes I smoke each day (I know... JUST QUIT LISA). There's still a nagging, an anxiety that there's not enough. It makes no sense. When I track our spending almost daily, I see it on the screen: we are blessed. But rarely do I truly feel the sense of contentment that I seek.

So I continue to find it in all the other small blessing in my life that are so easy to ignore. The sounds of the wind blowing outside while the weather is perfect to keep our windows open at home. The creaminess a half a too-ripe banana adds to my morning smoothie because we didn't eat them all last week, and I don't want to throw them out. The comfort of being able to take a break at work while my boss is here, and the strength of my leg muscles that allow a quick walk outside during that break. The pleasure found in losing hours while buried in a good book from the library, or stitching little X's into a crisp sheet of Aida cloth mom found at a thrift store in South Dakota and shipped to me to make me smile. There's a symphony found in contentment, and I'm glad to be alive to explore that more each day.

This Post Has Pictures!

I'm in the middle of yoga-only week, and feeling fantastic! I did a DVD on Monday, two of the old DVRed shows from FitTv (I refuse to upgrade to an HD receiver because I don't want to lose all my old taped workout shows!) on Tuesday, my own flow yesterday, and an old podcast I found on the husband's computer this morning. It's been challenging physically and mentally, and also extremely relaxing. I've made time for meditation each morning as well, so the days have been starting off calm and easy. More spiritual food has included some new dharma talk podcasts, and focusing my studies on one aspect of the Eightfold Path each week - this is week two, right intention.

It's interesting to take a step back and observe that while I hope to always have the best of intentions in my action with the world, it's not always the case. Sometimes my intentions are to get what I want from someone, to force someone to have a positive opinion of me or the same opinions regarding my views, to validate my need to feel loved, and other unnecessary or unskillful things that pop up here and there. I tend to just float through these interactions. So taking some time to try to be mindful of what lies beneath some of my habits while remaining nonjudgmental has been tough. It's a struggle to face certain things in myself. But it's rewarding in so many ways, and I know that I want to continue my practice.

Craftiness! Here's a picture of the finished cross-stitch I worked for my Ma!

I framed it and mailed it off to her. The original kit called for stitching, "I don't do mornings!" at the bottom, but she's always been such a good Kitty (and Doggy) Mama that I decided to freestyle this in for her. She loved it! Then she went to one of her local thrift stores and bought like fifty sampler books, tons of fabric, and a few other awesome cross-stitch supplies and shipped them my way. It was better than Christmas!

The husband and I visited James River State Park near Amherst, VA this past weekend. It's always been one of my favorite parks. I've tubed from Canoe Landing to Dixon Landing a few times, but this time we decided to participate in a guided canoe trip instead. It was super cheap and made a lot more sense than the other options we were considering. Plus, we'd never canoed together before and it'd been a while since either of us were in Scouts or 4H camp, so we are taking baby steps. The guide, Courtney, was a great leader and led our group underneath the railroad tracks through an old aqueduct. Super spooky and gorgeous. We spent the rest of our time at the park cooking up tasty campfire food (I freaking love breakfast quesadillas!), fishing a little bit (I caught a teeny fish!), reading, and I worked more on a Christmas cross-stitch gift. This was the view from the door of our tent:

It was a gorgeous site in the primitive Canoe Landing area. The only thing primitive about this section is that there's only a privy close by, and you have to drive to a bathhouse for running water or hot showers. Which isn't primitive; it's awesome.

Also, I set that tent up all by myself! Jeff had to work a full day, but I took leave and enjoyed a peaceful, gorgeous, slightly adventurous drive out there in the early afternoon. I did have some help from a really cool camp neighbor to get the rainfly over the top, which was great because I got a little stuck there haha.

Not much else is going on. Evenings have consisted of getting some dinner prepared, trying to do a chore or two, and then watching our favorite TV shows on our favorite couch. We're huge on Big Brother and are watching Under the Dome because Jeff read the book, though he insists it's nothing like the book. There's also been a lot of this happening in the evenings:

Current Craft Happenings and Finding Balance On and Off the Mat

Random things going on!

I finished a pretty detailed cross-stitch gift for my Ma a couple of days ago, and framed it the other night with an old 5x7 I had laying around the house. It fit perfectly, which is crazy awesome. I'm going to post a pic soon, but not until after I get it mailed out to her. She doesn't check my blog as far as I know, but I'd be super peeved if she caught a glimpse of it online before she gets the chance to open her package wondering, "What could this be?" and then being all proud and smiley when she unwraps it. Some things are way better in person than online. Most things, in fact. Bad porn is probably better online than in person though.

Other fun crafts in progress include a wall hanging that my Aunt lent me instructions for, and plans for a quilted drying mat for my smoothie cup and our coffee mugs, so I can stop using a bajillion paper towels each day. I got some pretty fat quarters for the drying mat, and it should be an easy project and great opportunity to try binding again.

I've been loving my body lately and remembering to exercise for fun instead of to attain a body that is not attainable with my genetics and love of beer. I finished up the Lean Circuit of ChaLean Extreme, which was fantastic and helped me make some strength gains. I had to move 20' sticks of 2-1/2" and 3" copper pipe earlier at work today, and amazed myself by handling the 2-1/2" on my own. I used to struggle big-time with 2" twenty-footers. Lifting heavy things safely is fun.

So, I started a new round of Jillian's Body Revolution because I had a lot of fun with the rotation last summer. I've already found myself a little too in-my-head about it, though. My goal is to do the strength workouts each week and do the cardio at least once, and do my own cardio on the other cardio day. But what if I burn out? Her cardio is so tough! Ugh, I'm being a baby. I can do her cardio at least once per week. But I need to be easy on myself, so I don't get obsessive about my body! But if I'm too easy on myself, I'm going to gain weight and that would be the end of the world! No, no it wouldn't be. Stop being ridiculous. Yes, my head is always deliberating in this way. Especially when I sit down to meditate and hope to find my quiet mind. Haha.

So I'm going to try to compromise. I love structure with my workouts, because I don't like waking up at 3:30am and making decisions. About anything. But I like when I'm able to take it easy and be happy with myself without having to go all-out, full-on, hardcore with fitness. This is also much safer for my body, in the present and in the long run. I'm concerned about my body's mobility and resistance to injury above all the other junk that is constantly spewed at me in these workout videos and fitness blogs. My compromise is this: I will complete each two-week segment of Body Revolution as planned. Scheduled strength workouts and one day of the cardio. If I feel like doing additional cardio on a 6th day, I will do it, but if I don't, I won't beat myself up. I don't think I am overtraining, but I know I've been close a few times - which violates the whole, mobility-and-injury-prevention-above-all-else thing. After each two-week session, I will take a week off and do yoga. Nothing but yoga. I already do really gentle yoga nearly every day following a workout, but a week of yoga will be so refreshing and really help me to focus on self-love and opening up to each present moment throughout my day.

With greater self-control in some areas of my life, I find that I lose self-control in others. I always thought that losing weight would be THE SOLUTION for me. It turns out it led to more feelings of inadequacy, and that if I don't take care of my mind, it will always want to obsess about something that's not worth obsessing about.

Food Issues and Fairy Angels

I read a blog post, linked by a friend on Facebook yesterday that brought me to tears. Your Fairy Angel wrote an amazing post extending a heartfelt apology to her former clients at a popular weight loss company. It's long, but it's a great read. For those who want a summary, she basically explains how while she had the best intentions, she came to realize that her job was to help her clients lose weight - which they did through her services - but then gain it back when they stopped using the services. Pretty much, the clients learned that they had to stick with this company to keep the weight that they were so desperate to lose away. She also describes helping clients who clearly didn't need to lose weight or body fat, or who were there because of pressure from parents or peers. I have so much respect for this blogger, and the post came at a time when I really needed to read it. I needed a reminder that almost all the weight loss information out there is complete bull.

I'm sure you've heard: diets are horrible, because they work, but then when you stop the diet, you gain all the weight back and usually more. Chronic dieting can lead to thyroid and metabolic disorders. It just makes no sense to deprive your body of the fuel it needs to keep each wonderful cell and function operational. Many of us, though, have grown up hearing more often that dieting will somehow lead to happiness in some form.

This go-round, I have kept what I always considered my, "extra weight," off for four years. That's incredible. I attribute this to the fact that I was determined that each change I made with exercise and nutrition, I would be able to stick with for life. I followed all the suggestions to make lifestyle changes instead of temporary fixes. Yet even with how much more energy I have, how much better I am sleeping regularly, and how much nicer it is to feel generally fit... I still have extremely low self-esteem more than half of the time. I'll go through periods where I'm pleased with my exercise regimen, accepting of my cravings for treats, and proud of my strength gains. But more often, I still deal with guilt each time I skip a planned workout (even when I make it up later!), anger when my pants are tighter in the afternoon than in the morning (hormones!), and thoughts about turning to old, unhealthy patterns after I've eaten more than an average portion of any type of food. I've been in a pretty bad rut for about two weeks now. It makes absolutely no sense. Some days, I get frustrated with myself for not seeing what is true, and then I deal with the frustration by eating more or some other subtle self-sabotage. Makes no sense, but I know there are lots of folks out there who feel me on this.

Your Fairy Angel's post reminded me that in this moment, I can accept myself. I can accept that I'm still trying to wear pants that are a size too small. I can accept that I'm lying to myself when I say that I'm counting calories again, "to see where I need to increase certain nutrients in my diet." I can accept that a 1200 calorie goal is really, really unhealthy, especially when I've been doing crazier cardio and heavier weights. I can accept that the lifestyle changes I really could make are the ones that I'm most avoiding admitting, like drinking a 12-pack of beer every weekend and using Monopoly as an excuse to get McDonald's three times in a week. I can still have beer and McDonald's, and I likely will want to enjoy these things forever, but moderation has never been a strength of mine. Avoiding this truth in this moment doesn't help anything, but neither does beating myself up mentally for the choices I've made in past moments. Accepting my body as healthy, loving it and filling it with my spiritual light, and taking a few moments to breathe deeply and drench each cell with oxygen are all a lot more helpful. So is being grateful for bloggers like Your Fairy Angel and other people in the world who are willing to speak truth.