Clear away the weeds

I don't have internet at home. I've got my smartphone and usually a pretty good signal with 3G, but still rarely check email, take my conquerclub turns, or do much else beyond scan Facebook and a quick google for, "Why the hell is it taking so long for my sweet potato to bake?" So the first day back to work after a weekend, especially a long weekend like Presidents Day, finds the inbox a little jammed with junk. I can quickly delete about 90% of what comes in, but one thing I always let stack up are my Tricycle Daily Dharma emails. I almost always have time for these little tidbits of wisdom. This morning, I'd racked four Tricycle emails, and I've been casually checking them in between various other internettery. Here's a little bit of one that gave me some pause:

"When you plant seeds in the garden,

you don't dig them up every day to see if they have

sprouted yet. You simply water them and clear away the weeds;

you know that the seeds will grow in time."

~ Thubten Chodron, "Meditator's Toolbox"

 I get frustrated. I easily lose patience, and it sometimes seems like feelings of defeat and guilt are more welcome in this mind than anything resembling positive thinking. So many of us know how we get stuck in cycles of two steps forward, three backwards. Even when the cycles look more like four steps forward, one step backwards, it's easy to let that one backwards step define our sense of identity for a time. There have been times when I'd sit and write all my accomplishments, trying to squeeze some self-love to the surface of my muddledom, and still couldn't let go of the voices that replayed my failures, my shortcomings, the dark spaces in my heart. The weeds that like to encroach on my true, compassionate nature.

I'm sure there will be periods of darkness like this throughout my life. My seeds are not leading me to any finish line. There's never going to be a point where I can step back and say, "Aha! Finally! I can stop focusing so much on self-care and developing compassion. I can stop meditating. I can stop exercising and just go to McDonalds every day again. Finally, I have reached my goals, and now things can go back to the way they were before I opened my eyes." My goals will change. They are changing, and perhaps I'm not doing a great job right now at checking in regularly to see where my deepest longing truly resides.

Regardless, I will continue to plant my seeds, water them, and work on clearing away these weeds.

"Similarly, just do your daily practice and

cultivate a kind heart." 

As I cultivate a kinder heart, I will be able to meet my guilt, anger, and frustration with a kinder attitude.

I sewed something yall

 I was crafty this weekend! My aunt gave me a Brother 2010 sewing machine in the cabinet around Christmastime. I didn't want to get too involved with learning about it or start any projects until after the craziness of the holidays, then the wedding, and then my parents being in town. But I picked up some more supplies last week with a little surplus in my "fun-money," and got to work on some cloth napkins!

Jeff and I have mentioned that we'd like to find ways to cut back on our paper waste around the house, and I found a great tutorial on cloth napkins that outlined them as a great project to practice sewing straight lines and the art of mitered corners. I didn't plan a blog post on the project, so I only have a few pictures that I took with my smartphone to send to a few of my craftier friends.

I didn't want to spend money on fabric because I'm cheap, this is my first project and therefore might be a little messy, and these are only going to be used by us at home. I figured that if the project was fun enough, I'd work on more sets later on, some nicer ones for home and perhaps a few gift sets in my friends' favorite colors. So rather than purchase fabric, I broke down an old set of full sheets and pillowcases for my napkin material. The fabric is already washed, shrunk, super soft and should stand up well to multiple washings.

I started by using my awesome rotary cutter set to cut 17" squares. I was able to get two from each of my two pillowcases, so four floral squares, and easily got 16 solid green squares from the top sheet after I'd ironed it and cut the hemmed edges. Cutting the edges was pointless because I would have trimmed them with the cuts I used to square the pieces. I can't imagine how long it would have taken to mark and cut perfect squares with only my shears. I now understand why the rotary cutter, mat, and ruler are essential to quilters.

After my squares were cut, I laid the ruler diagonally across the squares and marked my fabric 1-1/2" in on each corner. I looked at a ton of different ways to do mitered corners, but this advice on the Fiskars website seemed more simple, and I was excited to use my rotary cutter for more snips!

 

The picture above is the wrong side of one of my floral squares from the pillowcases. Below is one of the squares from the green sheet. These squares had no right side or wrong side, which made things even easier. Yay! After marking the 1-1/2" corner marks, I turned the ruler diagonally and lined it up with the inch marks on the mat to cut 1/2" corners off the squares. This removes excess fabric that can make your corners look jacked. I was following the tutorial's advice to square the fabric, mark it 1" in on each side of the corner, and then use those marks to snip your corner. But I'm using a regular inkpen because our local Wal-Mart doesn't have any sewing pens, and it eventually left a mark on the mat that I could see.

 

Above is the square laid out with the ruler indicating the corner I'm about to cut free. I was sad when I finished cutting and realized it was time to iron and sew. Cutting is so fun with the rotary tool and mat. Jeff was amazed by the self-healing mat.

It took me three hours to get my machine to stitch! I'd messed around with it a few times in January, then had my aunt show me again how to thread the top and load the bobbin when she visited a few weekends ago. But I still kept getting it wrong. Twice I got up, quit, and walked away. But then I'd settle into my huff on the couch and look at youtube, and eventually was able to piece together the right advice from several videos about other models. There aren't many videos online for my model, and Brother doesn't offer the manual online like it does for so many others.

Once I figured the machine out, I felt confident to start pressing my hems since I'd be able to stitch them right afterwards. I folded each corner into that little mark from earlier, which ended up being about 1/4" hem. My iron is awesome for pressing. I love it. I had to refill the water after each napkin, but I guess it's normal for an iron to steam through that much water quickly. After pressing in each corner, I pressed the edges in 1/4", starting on one side and working counter-clockwise around my square. I did both folds on each side at once, and now that I'm thinking about it, I remember reading that it's better to first fold the first hem all the way around, and then go around again with the second fold. I'll do that with my next batch. Spoiler alert: I only finished two napkins yesterday. Eighteen to go haha.

I liked the way the corners came together once I had all my hems pressed. None of them were perfect, but I'll get better as I get more practice. It was my first time stitching anything other than practice seams on the machine, too, so while the stitching isn't very pretty (and I still can't figure out how to get my stitch to zig-zag... it's set on zig-zag but still stitching straight), I know that will improve greatly with time too.

Here it is: my first mitered corner!

Accept the Unaccepted

This morning has felt a little difficult. I've been out of my routine since Thanksgiving, and I haven't been great at making the best decisions for my mind and body. I've been eating like shit pretty consistently, and it's becoming easier to just reach for a soda. I kicked ass at two weeks of Chalean Extreme, but I've skipped workouts for four days now. This is unlike me. I'm not happy when I'm not moving or getting the nutrients my body has gotten used to.

My parents have been here for a couple of weeks. Mom came out less than a week after we returned from our honeymoon. Ronnie was here a few days later. They've been busting ass on the vacant rental property - they've dealt with discovering two huge truckloads of garbage dumped in the woods on the property and having the heat pump stolen by spiceheads (assumption) one night. They found a new tenant who seems very legit. I didn't have to fuss with any of these issues, and that was such a blessing. But I have to admit that I've been a little antsy to get them out of the house. We just got married! We're just not ourselves when we have to share the house.

They're leaving today and starting their long drive back to South Dakota. I thought I'd wake up excited and gleeful about the idea of heading home to an empty house, other than my wonderful husband and our gorgeous but needy cats. But dammit! I'm going to miss them. I'll miss Ronnie rolling his eyes at me stealing his sodas, and I'll miss Mom being unable to focus on anything other than her to-do list. I miss my folks!

This morning I found myself to escaping to every moment but the present. An argument that I had once with Mom during high school. The excitement of the road trip we'll be taking out to SD later this year. The awkward conversations I'll be having later today with a visiting boss from corporate. I didn't want to sit with all that conflict. Am I happy they're leaving? Am I sad? Does it have to be so dualistic in order to understand the feelings? Do I even need to understand the feelings to accept them? Stuff to sit with today.

Happy New Year!

The holidays were exciting and full of blessings. I spent some quiet time thinking of the people I really wish were still with us, and how much I miss Christmas on the farm in North Carolina. I honored some old Christmas traditions from my family and Jeff's, and he and I worked on building a few new ones. We came home from listening to my father-in-law (officially in twelve days!) read The Night Before Christmas to Jeff and Robyn, and we put together a sausage and leek breakfast casserole for the next morning. Even though we had to leave early Christmas to celebrate at a few other homes, we were able to eat a huge serving and fill our bellies with some healthy stuff before leaving the kitties to roll around with their new mice and feathers.

I'm so in love with the family I have nearby, and with Jeff's family who offers love and acceptance in ways I've never known before. There were times this holiday season when it felt like love was swelling up inside me and bursting through my crown, shooting out and joining the love coming from everyone else in a huge, swirling pool of energy. There's so much love around right now, and I'm so glad that I'm able to open up and see it every once in a while.

Our wedding is less than two weeks away! Our hometown potluck celebration is this Saturday. There's still lots to do, but I'm calm about it today. I had a major freakout a few mornings ago, and my sister and her two beautiful daughters helped me go out and pick up some supplies and hammer down the centerpiece ideas. My sisters and Andrea will be coming over Friday night to help me put them together and get a few other things ready. I'm so fortunate to have the support I've had through this entire planning process.

I don't do resolutions. I spend most of the rest of the year battling the inner voice that constantly tells me I'm not good enough, and that if I'm not working towards a new goal, I'm drowning in old habits. This is true sometimes. But not all the time, and that's how often that inner voice likes to bug me about it. And I've found that even when I don't make lists, set goals, berate myself for my failures, or keep a written progress record... I still change. I still move forward in my life. I still improve.

Rather than resolutions, I like to set a bucket list for the year. I found the idea from a blog several years ago, one that created 36 goals for 365 days of the new year. Jeff and I are creating our annual bucket list for 2013, consisting of 6 personal items for each of us, and 24 items for us to complete together. We haven't come up with all our items together yet, but I'm hoping to document our journey with the list this year and post blog entries with photos to share some of our adventures.

I don't do resolutions, but I am always up for adventures!

Loving awareness

I'm getting married in less than a month! In four weeks from today, Jeff and I will be waking up early for breakfast and a few special moments in Key West, before heading to the courthouse for our wedding certificate. Then we'll split up for the day and meet at sunset on Smathers Beach to exchange our promises. I'm finding myself residing in these anticipated moments a lot lately!

This moment, I'm at work, sitting behind my elevated counter. I'm alert and friendly this morning. I've got two customers in here that don't really know what they want or what they can get based on our contract's terms. This sometimes irritates me. Sometimes I just want to sit here and do my own thing, and customers piss me off simply by coming into the store. This is pretty silly. These guys just need to get some items, and my store is a pretty reasonable place to start when trying to figure out the hoops and loops of material acqusition around here.

This moment, I'm blessed to be full of food. We baked all day yesterday as part of our annual baking tradition, and ended up with clean-eating sausage balls, puppy chow with Chex, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, and some rolled Christmas cookies. I love pulling those cookie cutters out each year. This year's moment was especially warm.

This moment, I'm ancy. I slept an extra hour this morning instead of working out, and I feel like moving. I like to use my cigarette breaks to walk back to the pipe yard and back, because it takes the perfect amount of time and I love the idea of moving my legs around since they stay pretty still throughout the rest of the day. I'm thinking of heading over to the gym at lunch for a little movement. Even though I left my ipod at home today, doh!

This moment is kind of ordinary in some ways, but it's extraordinary in some, too.

This moment is illuminated by loving awareness.

Some helpful affirmations for today

I am a wreck. I thought that I'd be immune to the pre-wedding stress, since our plans are pretty simple. I was incorrect. I'm not so much worried about the potluck, wedding, or vacation, as I am worried about staying un-crazy throughout the rest of this month and during our Key West trip. Maintaining composure. Not embarrassing myself or Jeffrey. Not being mean to anyone. Certainly NOT having a huge, crying hissy fit. These are the things I am worrying about. I'm feeling unstable and very, very frightened.

There's the usual pre-wedding and holiday stress: Our guestbook bench isn't finished, and I'm nervous about it being painted and dried long enough to allow everyone to sign without smudging paint. I still have no idea how the "ceremony" will be led at the potluck, and I just don't feel like thinking about it. Jeff and I are both trying to curb giant portions and snacking, but we still want to have our annual baking weekend. My stepdad needs us to clean the gutters on all four houses and the garage on Grey's Point. I have a holly bush that needs to go into the ground pronto. The Christmas craft that I'm working on for my friends is JUST. NOT. WORKING. OUT. All these are small inconveniences. But they're being overshadowed by some pretty dark BIGNESS that I can't seem to shake.

One of my sisters moved back to the area about a month ago, and some discussions with her and my other sister opened up a lot of old wounds. A lot of old wounds that I thought several years of therapy would have healed for good. Does any of it every truly heal for good? Will it ever be possible to remember certain things without attaching my own anger, grief, and blame, and without brooding over those negative feelings?

Will there ever be a time in which I actually feel like doing the tough work that I know is required for me to stay emotionally balanced and out of an institution?

Lots of thoughts like these have been swarming through my head. I've been practicing a few techniques from my self-help toolbox. I'd like to outline some of them and provide some of the positive affirmations I'm using to remind myself about the True Nature of all this experience.

• Daily mindfulness pauses - First off, I need to be sure that I'm staying present and mindful about my experiences, instead of just trying to rush through them and stashing them away without honoring each as part of my whole, part of my ever-changing manifestion of Soul. I added a mindfulness bell app to my phone. It rings (actually, gongs) every 2 hours or so if my phone isn't on silent, and when I hear the bell, I'm reminded to take a moment, put my hand over my heart, recognize what experience I'm having in that moment, and honor it. I also use an affirmation each time the bell rings.
• Body scans - One of my biggest struggles is calming down once I've gotten emotionally worked up. The most effective technique that helps me escape the spiral of thoughts and stories about my experience, is to pause and scan my body for tightness. There's almost always a tightness in my shoulders, hunched up to my ears. I frequently notice a tightness in my neck or chest when I'm upset. There's a huge knot in my gut when I know I'm ignoring my intuition, but don't want to admit it. The more I pause to scan my body, the more I'm familiar with what each sensation can mean about what's going through my heart and mind. Yoga helps a ton, too.
• Positive affirmations - Some people swear by them, some people think they're rediculous. I think they're a huge help with refocusing my attention towards the possibilities in my uncertain future, rather than the fears and dreads. Here are a couple of the ones that I'm keeping close to my heart this week:
• I give out love, and it is returned to me in multitudes.
• I am letting go of old patterns and illogical thinking in order to see True Nature.
• The loving awareness in my heart is healing my Soul.
• My friends and family still love me even when I don't feel proud of myself

So I go out into the world, unable to control how these future moments will turn out. But I can control my present moment, and my attitude in this present moment.

Reminder Moments

I struggle often with being fully present in any given moment. Most of us do. Here's a scenario: I'm walking down the street in a small town, holding Jeff's hand. Here's what I'd like to be going through my head:

Wow, this is a great moment. I can feel the warmth of Jeff's hand, the breeze on my face, and the firm concrete underneath the heels and then balls of my feet as I stroll. There's so much to be grateful for in this moment.

Here's what usually goes on in the ol' noggin instead:

Wow, this is a great moment. I enjoy this so much more than sitting at work. I can't believe that guy at work got so angry the other day. Anger is bad! No, wait, no it's not. I don't have to freaking judge everything. I don't have to label it to give myself an illusion of control. I wonder if the control knob on the oven is going to break soon; it's acting like it. 

... and then I trip over a crack in the sidewalk or something.

When I'm able to be fully present in a moment, I feel truly open to life. OPEN. All the barriers are down. I want to embody this presence as much as I can, whether it's in a good moment or a moment of suffering. Almost all of the pain I incur during my times of suffering are a direct result of the thinking I do about the suffering. It comes from resisting the suffering and believing that it doesn't belong in that moment. But it does. Shitty things are going to happen, and it's only normal to be sad or upset about them. If I can really OPEN up to that pain, even inviting it, I can hold it in a loving space inside myself, letting it take over that moment, without letting it take over who I am or any future moments. When I resist the pain, it nearly always creeps into future moments, when I could be opening up to that hand-holding or something else beautiful.

So, my mantra this week has been, "This moment too. I allow this moment (or emotion/pain/thought/urge/craving) to move through me in this moment, and I know that this moment (emotion/pain/thought/urge/craving) does not define me or my future moments." It gets shortened to, "This, too," after a few rounds. It reminds me that I have control over how I react to life, even if I can't control what life's throwing my way.