Just Need to Write...

I'm attempting to break a pretty bad habit that I've been carrying for about fifteen years... half of my life. And I hate to be cryptic, but I have to be right now. Don't stress; there's nothing exciting or scandalous involved. I just want to keep this part of my life private. I think I've always loved my secrets... but that doesn't really contribute to my authenticity. It's time to let this secret go. And while I go through the separation anxiety, I must write.

I powerwalked my first solo 5K yesterday! I've done a few races with friends, but was eager to see what kind of time I would make if left to my own motivation and pace. I figured that as long as I kept walking and didn't outright stop, I would finish in less than an hour. I hoped to finish in less than fifty minutes. I ended up with a time between 42 and 43 minutes! I jogged a few stretches and really enjoyed myself. It shouldn't be too difficult to do some training and get my time under forty minutes before the end of this summer. I read a fantastic article last week about how to maintain motivation after losing weight, rather than getting frustrated at the inevitable plateaus and reverting back to old behaviors or habits. It's helpful to shift your focus away from goals like, "I want to drop a dress size," or, "I want to lose five more pounds," and begin to aim for fitness-specific goals like doing a pull-up or speed and distance improvements. I'm still pushing to finish a rotation of ChaLean Extreme, but afterwards I'd like to do some distance training and heavy lifting a few days per week.

ATMOSPHERE IS TOURING THIS SUMMER!!! I got two tickets for their show at Pocahontas State Park, since husband wants to come too. I've always wanted to see an outdoor Atmosphere concert, so this should be a treat. I'm not sure that alcohol will be allowed since it's a VA State Park... but that would be okay I guess. We could even CAMP! Except once I'd bought the tickets, I realized that the shows are scheduled during the week in August that my boss takes off every year. Lame. The Richmond show is a Wednesday night, and I also picked up one ticket for their show in Charlotte, NC that Saturday night. My original plan was to take a long weekend and drive down to visit a best friend who is currently in the process of moving out there, but now I might have to try to make it a weekend trip. I'll figure it out when the time is closer, and just geek out over the fact that I'll get to see a show this year in the meantime. Atmosphere!

Not much else is going on. My husband had a few of his friends come visit for the weekend, and he had a great time showing off his skills in the kitchen for them. We had some yummy teriyaki chicken for lunch on Saturday, and FOUR delicious whole wheat pizzas for dinner. He also put some love into chocolate chip cookies and a delightful broccoli salad for Sunday family dinner. We're heading to a friend's potluck this upcoming weekend, and he's already decided that he wants to do the broccoli salad again - it's so yummy! It was so nice to see him proud when he discovered that the dish had been scraped clean during dinner. Love that man!

2013 SAAM Day of Action - Possible Sexual Assault Triggers

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM), and April 2nd is a nationally recognized day of action for the movement. The NSVRC website states that today, "provides an opportunity for prevention advocates to engage with their communities." And here I write. I can share a blog entry. I feel a deep urge to participate today, and while I didn't plan to attend a march or speak to a group, I have this blog. My gift is small, but it feels good to give anything.

I read a lot of blogs about sexual assault, and I've yet to fully agree or disagree with anyone's guesses on why it happens or what we can do to keep it from happening. There are so many opinions out there. There's also a ton of information and statistics that detail how incredibly harmful the issue is for all humans. The psychological studies are fascinating, though depressing.

My opinions are based on my experiences as a sexual assault survivor, and my experiences with rape culture.

I'm a survivor of several types of sexual abuse and assault. I am friends with several women who are also survivors of multiples types. I'm friends with women who were sexually abused as children but still cannot acknowledge that it happened. I'm friends with women who were sexually assaulted as adults, but still hold themselves accountable despite clearly saying, "NO!"

I imagine that many young women exhibit the same patterns that I followed. Following my first sexual assault as a woman (15 years old), I began to believe that men were going to take my body no matter how I acted or what I wore. I had tried dressing sexily to get attention from the boys. According to everything I was watching on TV, the only way to get power was to be desired, and then manipulate those who desire you. When my stepdad called me slutty, and other parents told their kids that I was going to be raped if I didn't wear more modest clothing, I figured I'd better straighten up. I didn't want to get raped! So I wore jeans and t-shirts for a while.

I was wearing plaid pajama pants and an oversized t-shirt when I was first sexually assaulted as a young adult. So I learned that I couldn't dress to avoid rape. I learned that something else must be wrong with me. I was trying to be the powerful one, but somehow this guy had taken control in so many ways. There was some other weakness that men could pick up on, so I had to be stronger.

Here's where I made the shift that I thought would keep me safe. I took my new label as "slut" and embraced it with passion. If I couldn't physically keep myself safe from sexual assault, then I'd keep myself safe with an attitude. An attitude that focused on women having as much right to sleep around as men. A belief that I enjoyed taking advantage of men the way that many took advantage of women. If I got too drunk and woke up after a one-night stand, I could just convince myself that I'd been the one to initiate the sexual encounter. If I were enjoying touching or kissing, and then the guy wanted to go farther, it was easier to pretend to be a nymphomaniac than to come up with a reason to ask him to stop. It was very simple to convince myself that I always wanted sex. In this way, no sex was ever assault, because even if I'd said no, I was just mistaken - I always wanted sex.

I don't have any one person or event to blame for the ways I've mistreated my mind and body in the past. I don't even regret most of my meaningless sexual encounters, though I do regret not seeing the true motivations behind them in those moments. I regret that most of us don't see our true motivations in each moment. I'm sure that my assaulters could have made different decisions if they'd taken a few moments to examine their true motives. They were never trying to accomplish a goal like, "Force myself on this young woman and give her years of restless sleep, nightmares, guilty and conflicting feelings, PTSD." Something else was going on there.

So while I've moved forward with my life in many ways, attended therapy and worked through many of my sexual assault issues, and even entered an incredibly safe and loving marriage - I'm also stuck back in time with that rapist, and the several assaulters who came after him. I'm hoping that everyone can stop yelling at each other. Stop blaming victims for being raped simply because they dressed a certain way or had too much to drink (raise your hand if you had to experiment to discover your limits - or that your limit is NO alcohol). And stop screaming at rapists to die or to cut off their own genitalia. We're living in a really confusing society and are descendant from beings who had to rely on their physical instincts for everything. No, I do not forgive perpetrators of sexual violence - but I do wish that they had access to more affordable, less stigmatized mental health care.

This entry is jumpy. I have so many other thoughts that bounce off these, and simply writing this out has gotten a ton of things stirring around in my head that had been resting complacently for a while. My action this afternoon is to sit with these thoughts and offer my love to each one. It's a Day of Action, even if that action is inaction.

Adventures in PMS

I went to sleep last night delighted at being able to set my alarm for 5:00am instead of the usual 3:30am. It was snowing, and I'd already asked my boss if I could come in a few hours later, once the sun came up and started de-slushing everything.

3:30am - wake up, hear the stupid chit-chat-chit-chat of the over-the-door towel rack bumping lightly against the bathroom door. Get out of bed, move towel between rack and door, return to bed.

5:00am - alarm goes off. Jeff mumbles, "I love you baby," through the drool on his pillow and I mumble back, "I'm not fucking getting up!" I lie there for approximately seventeen more seconds while my brain argues with no one about why I should get up and do my workout. Get out of bed and put on workout clothes.

5:40am - finish workout. Rejoice! Bask in good feelings and sweaty yoga stretches!

5:50am - shower

6:15am - see Jeff's delicious sandwich he's made for his lunch. Ask if he made my sandwich too, since he already had all the sandwich materials out. Stomp off and cry in the bathroom when he tells me guiltily, "No," because apparently if your husband doesn't make you a sandwich, you are worthless.

6:20am - bitch at Jeff for not making me a sandwich, and also for pulling his khakis out of the dryer to avoid wrinkling but leaving all other clothes inside the dryer for future dealing with.

6:25am - cry more in the bathroom because Jeff is dealing with a really stressful work situation this week, and here I am bitching about some fucking wrinkly jeans. When I happen to have a FANTASTIC iron that I love to use, anyways. Feel guilty, put on extra makeup because my bitch voice is pointing out my elevated-hormone zits in the mirror.

7:00am - hug Jeff and tell him how proud I am of all he's accomplishing at work. Yay, good wife! Thank him for adding some music to my ipod that I'd been wanting.

7:20am - get in car, plug in ipod, listen to Trisha Yearwood's Greatest Hits. (We've been watching her cooking show lately.)

7:21am - CRY HYSTERICALLY BECAUSE YEAH, SHE'S IN LOVE WITH THE BOY! And Walkaway Joe. And The Song Remembers When.

7:39am - seemingly returned to neutral mood. Get cut off by a dickface in a black Nissan. Invent three new curse words, make my car scared of me.

7:52am - still in car. Think about a pun that someone said over the weekend. Laugh and shriek crazily for four minutes, feel giddy.

7:56am - Think about the fact that some of my friends will someday die. Scrunch face up and cry unattractively for ten minutes.

8:15ish - Arrive at work. Put on customer service smile and congratulate myself on meeting all those moments without fighting them. So what if I might be acting like someone who needs to be institutionalized? I feel beautiful when I act genuinely.

Group Fitness Certification - Who Knows?

The week has been pretty fantastic! I've got a lot of energy and excitement right now, as I've just ordered my study guides to take the ACE Group Exercise Instructor Certification. I plan to test by the end of June this year. I don't know where it will take me. I don't see myself becoming a full-time exercise instructor. But something within me is shifting, finally accommodating the last few years' changes and motion. I love the people I work with in my full-time job. But I need something more. I'd love to become certified and start teaching one or two evening classes through the YMCA. The Upper Peninsula branches have very few classes, and two branch directors have been encouraging about the possibility of me bringing some Turbo Kick or other high-energy classes to their areas.

Who knows?

I don't. Not in this moment.

That had me halted at the stop sign. So often I'll have an idea, and start speeding down the highway of imagination and possibilities, until that one big worry catches in my mind and STOP! I obey that voice and freeze right there. What if I spend all this money on the study materials and test, and then it never leads to anything? What if I can't find any classes to teach in such a rural area? What if no one will hire me because I don't look like most fitness instructors? What if I put in all this hard work only to find life staring blankly back at me, silently saying, "Did you really think you could do this? Fitness isn't yours. You're just leasing this hobby."

Who cares?

I don't. Not in this moment.

But I do know that I'll gain some knowledge. I'll get more time to immerse myself in something I've been building a great passion towards. I'll learn about anatomy and the different ways that our amazing bodies help us move and live. My home practice will thrive as I learn more about how each movement works large and small parts of my muscles, how to protect my bones and prevent injury, and I'll get some great education on leadership and motivation.

Maybe more will come of it.

For now, I'm going to enjoy the excitement in this moment. I'm going to keep learning to move when it's time to move, and rest in stillness when it's time to rest. This way, I'll be better prepared to meet all those other terrifying moments as they arise.

Page views!

I got some page views! That's because I'm a member of a pretty awesome community. Video Fitness Forum is a great place to visit if you're into exercise and fitness DVDs, online workouts, or general fitness. I use it to check out reviews for any exercise videos I'm thinking of buying, though I have to admit that visiting the site sends my WANTWANTWANT into overdrive, and I'm kind of trying to avoid that lately. But I check in daily on a neat thread that lets you set a long list of the month's dates, then edit it to fill in each date with the workout you did that day.

I really like the visual effect of seeing my workouts stack up. I'm slacking on my ChaLean Extreme rotation, taking a little longer to get through all the workouts. This can lead to a completely irrational nagging within, that little voice inside that is constantly NOT ENOUGH. She takes over really easily on days that I skip a morning workout. It's hard for me to maintain true perspective when my NOT ENOUGH voice has the mic. But - even with a few days rest, seeing the workouts listed as the month progresses helps me realize that I am doing enough. I'm doing more than enough to meet my intentions.

I've got some updates on our home's 36 in 365 list - for those who don't know, 36 in 365 is an alternative to writing a list of New Year's Resolutions. It focuses more on positive experiences by listing 36 things that you want to do in the next year. We keep ours light, trying to include "bucket list" items that we've always wanted to try. Jeff and I came up with 24 things we want to do together, and each of us wrote six personal goals.

Our first check mark was made when we purchased our new mattress. We love our spines now.

I made a check mark this weekend by sewing my first skirt! I used a simple tutorial but can't figure out where I originally found it. I was browsing on the smartphone a while back and downloaded a pdf. I probably wouldn't link to the tutorial anyways though, because bitch did not take into account that women have curves. Or else it was a pattern tutorial for kids' clothes. Whatevs, the tutorial instructed me to measure around my waist (plus an inch for seam allowance) and that would be the length of my rectangular pattern. Measure length from waist, add two inches, and that would be the width of my rectangular pattern. I totally tried this, cut the fabric out, and realized there was no way the skirt would come up over my hips once sewn. Duh!

Take two: I only had half my yard of fabric left, and while it was a perfect length to wrap around my hips and booty, I was afraid I wouldn't have enough length to cover the goods. I tried anyways, and it worked out perfectly! I did well with the seam (I wear it at the back), stitched a casing for the elastic, threaded 1/2" elastic through the waist and joined it together with a zig zag stitch. The top gathers up a bit and fits really comfortably. It's super short, but I like that every once in a while, and it'll be great to wear with a bathing suit. I wore it over some black leggings with a black turtleneck sweater on Saturday and got some great compliments on it! I have always wanted to receive a compliment on an article of clothing I'd made for myself. So proud of myself! Here's a blurry picture that I took to send my aunt and prove that it was beneficial to give me her old sewing machine:

Dedicating My Fitness Efforts

One of my random trips through the world of blogs yesterday led me to a fantastically worded article called Exercise Is Meaningless, in which mindfulness-based personal trainer Gentoku McCree describes how he began to use an exercise dedication. He's spent time living in a Zen monastery and noted that the attendees would recite a dedication before each activity. When he left the monastery, he found that his actions lacked depth that he'd experienced with these dedications.

Sometimes I don't even know if I'm honest with myself about why I exercise. Yes, I have always wanted to appear thin and slim, and wear the tightest, sexiest clothes without worrying about what someone might say or think about my appearance. I've done a lot of work to identify the reasons behind this desire, dig into underlying fears, recognize the irrationalities behind these fears, and admit that the desire is causing more harm than benefit. I lost fifty pounds - a quarter of my body weight - and kept it off. But the desire to look thinner has caused much more harm than the health benefits that arise from dropping those extra pounds. There was little difference in how I felt about myself before and after losing such a significant amount of weight. I was still completely unhappy with my body and appearance, even fifty pounds lighter, even with countless friends and family expressing pride and amazement as I met each goal.

I have spent the past couple of years trying to focus more on mindfulness, both to observe where my thoughts try to take me (and where I usually follow) and to open myself more to moments of light, love, and beauty. This means opening myself up to the less-than-comfy moments too, of self-hatred, anger, and fear. Extending this practice to my fitness routine enables me to be a better listener to my body, which makes room for better listening to my mind. It helps take my Self out of the practice and remember that every small act creates a ripple through this entire Universe, and that every moment influences future moments.

Gentoku's article suggests that we come up with our own exercise dedication. He outlines several questions that assist with discovering the true meaning behind what we do and how we do it. I'd like to share my exercise dedication, and wish love and light to all beings.

My body has been beautiful in all its forms and sizes. 

Physical exercise helps my body and mind meet life’s moments as they arise. 

Practicing with my physical body will allow me to make more room to practice compassion in daily life. 

I exercise for every wild being who has ever felt the pull to move, especially for those who are afraid to follow that pull. 

I will embody a graceful dancer, a fierce hunter, and a loving matriarch.

Random Going-Ons

I haven't been able to pull my thoughts together tightly enough around one subject to come up with a blog post in my head this week. I'm working on spending some time being instead of doing. It's not going well. I'm doing a lot, and haven't sat down to meditate but once in the past two weeks. That's okay though, because this is a practice. I seem to be shelving some of the self-care tools that I'd really like to pull out more often, and that's usually a sign of imbalance for me. So hopefully I'll make some time in the next few days for some meditation, both sitting and vinyasa.

Anyways, here are some of the things that have been keeping my brain so bustling.

We got a new mattress! The one we were using before was a hand-me-down from an aunt who bought it in 1980, and I'd been lugging it around since 2005 when I moved into my apartment in Farmville. It was in rough shape, and while I'm a pretty good sleeper and can handle just about any surface, it's really nice to sleep without springs jutting into my upper back and to be able to roll around a bit without the CRREAAAAKKKs waking the Jeffster from his precious slumber. He's so cute when he's sleeping. I did a lot of research, and ended up going with the recommendation of my sister and buying from The Original Mattress Factory because they manufacture the mattresses on their own and have great warranties. We were able to get an orthopedic model. It's only been two nights, but so far it's amazing. The bed set is significantly higher than the old mattress and box springs, so I only have to bend forward half as much to wrap my wet hair up in my t-shirt. That's a pretty awesome benefit.

The same sister who gave me such a great mattress recommendation is texting me silliness right now. She had some surgery done on her foot this morning that's going to leave her off her feet for a few weeks. She texted me that she was awake and told me she's feeling loopy, so I suggested she try to recite, "Irish wristwatch," out loud and see how funny it sounds. I'm going to head over to her house after work tomorrow, and hope to keep her laughing and smiling all weekend. I'm hoping to cook her family up some bit batch meals and get them into her freezer, too.

In health efforts, I'm going strong on week one of the Push Phase in ChaLean Extreme. That's about 35 days into the rotation. I'd like to take some more of my fitness time for yoga in the upcoming week, and I'm planning on grabbing some 25lb dumbbells from WalMart to increase the weight for my squats and deadlifts. It feels awesome to be getting stronger, and my nutritional mood has been pretty positive, with my body craving veggies and other nutrients instead of just the usual sugar and bread (and McDonald's). I'm allowing myself to eat pretty liberally during this Push Phase, since heavy lifting increases my appetite so much. Just trying to focus on eating enough of the good stuff to avoid picking up the bad stuff.

The only restrictions in my diet right now, because I'm actually quite firmly against restrictive dieting, unless you want to give that item up for life - are beverages. I'm on day four of a 31-day challenge with one of my best friends, and my challenge is to only drink water, hot tea, and coffee. And not too much coffee. My reasons are a) I'd done a great job at cutting back my Dr. Peppers to one or two a weekend, for about two years. I've been drinking more and more of them since fall and constantly want one! I'll even drink a Diet just for the fizzy feel, and I think diet sodas are kind of the worst thing in the world. I'm hoping that withdrawal for a month will get me back to where drinking them was a little too sugary, and I'd just sip and be grateful for those sips. Also b) to give my liver a break from alcohol. The alcohol intake hasn't been higher than average lately. I just want to give my liver a break and get her ready for spring. Rest up sweetie, you'll have lots of Shock Top to process soon enough.

I hope anyone that reads is having a great week, and finding some time to BE instead of DO.