I read a blog post, linked by a friend on Facebook yesterday that brought me to tears. Your Fairy Angel wrote an amazing post extending a heartfelt apology to her former clients at a popular weight loss company. It's long, but it's a great read. For those who want a summary, she basically explains how while she had the best intentions, she came to realize that her job was to help her clients lose weight - which they did through her services - but then gain it back when they stopped using the services. Pretty much, the clients learned that they had to stick with this company to keep the weight that they were so desperate to lose away. She also describes helping clients who clearly didn't need to lose weight or body fat, or who were there because of pressure from parents or peers. I have so much respect for this blogger, and the post came at a time when I really needed to read it. I needed a reminder that almost all the weight loss information out there is complete bull.
I'm sure you've heard: diets are horrible, because they work, but then when you stop the diet, you gain all the weight back and usually more. Chronic dieting can lead to thyroid and metabolic disorders. It just makes no sense to deprive your body of the fuel it needs to keep each wonderful cell and function operational. Many of us, though, have grown up hearing more often that dieting will somehow lead to happiness in some form.
This go-round, I have kept what I always considered my, "extra weight," off for four years. That's incredible. I attribute this to the fact that I was determined that each change I made with exercise and nutrition, I would be able to stick with for life. I followed all the suggestions to make lifestyle changes instead of temporary fixes. Yet even with how much more energy I have, how much better I am sleeping regularly, and how much nicer it is to feel generally fit... I still have extremely low self-esteem more than half of the time. I'll go through periods where I'm pleased with my exercise regimen, accepting of my cravings for treats, and proud of my strength gains. But more often, I still deal with guilt each time I skip a planned workout (even when I make it up later!), anger when my pants are tighter in the afternoon than in the morning (hormones!), and thoughts about turning to old, unhealthy patterns after I've eaten more than an average portion of any type of food. I've been in a pretty bad rut for about two weeks now. It makes absolutely no sense. Some days, I get frustrated with myself for not seeing what is true, and then I deal with the frustration by eating more or some other subtle self-sabotage. Makes no sense, but I know there are lots of folks out there who feel me on this.
Your Fairy Angel's post reminded me that in this moment, I can accept myself. I can accept that I'm still trying to wear pants that are a size too small. I can accept that I'm lying to myself when I say that I'm counting calories again, "to see where I need to increase certain nutrients in my diet." I can accept that a 1200 calorie goal is really, really unhealthy, especially when I've been doing crazier cardio and heavier weights. I can accept that the lifestyle changes I really could make are the ones that I'm most avoiding admitting, like drinking a 12-pack of beer every weekend and using Monopoly as an excuse to get McDonald's three times in a week. I can still have beer and McDonald's, and I likely will want to enjoy these things forever, but moderation has never been a strength of mine. Avoiding this truth in this moment doesn't help anything, but neither does beating myself up mentally for the choices I've made in past moments. Accepting my body as healthy, loving it and filling it with my spiritual light, and taking a few moments to breathe deeply and drench each cell with oxygen are all a lot more helpful. So is being grateful for bloggers like Your Fairy Angel and other people in the world who are willing to speak truth.
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