First off, acknowledgement: It's been a while. I went to South Dakota. I had holidays. I had my first wedding anniversary. I have not blogged. I've been feeling a little unsure of myself, and it's pretty difficult to etch my thoughts and beliefs into permanent blogditude during a time full of doubt. Today, though, I made a commitment! I booked my ACE Group Fitness Exam, to be taken May 30th in Richmond. My worried mind clicked into overdrive as soon as I hit the button to submit my final payment.
This makes no sense. I don't intend to become a full-time group fitness instructor upon certification, and I might not even want to work part-time. I already feel exhausted with my long commute and early hours with my full-time gig. I didn't even stick to a commitment to attend group fitness classes in Gloucester, because waiting around for 45 minutes felt so burdensome when I could be headed home to eat dinner and climb into bed before 8pm. I don't want to commit to anything on weekends. I love having the ability to just take off to the mountains or visit friends across the state. Truthfully, I don't like much about making commitments. I might not ever teach a group fitness class, even if I do earn my cert.
I have bullshitted so much with my study materials. I keep a textbook in my tote, but the last time I pulled it out to do any reading was over three months ago. There's been no consistency, though I definitely get caught up and interested when I do take the time to stick my nose in the books. It's going to be tough to stick to the study plan I finished up this morning, even though I planned a liberal amount of time to absorb all the information.
I could fail. I could quite literally fail by failing the exam. I could pass the exam and then do nothing with it, which could easily translate to feelings of failure. My brain seems to be channeling its turn-these-feelings-into-failure-and-regret mechanism much more than usual.
Or...
I could fail the exam and be proud of myself for making an attempt to learn something new. I could pass the exam, never teach a class, but feel a little pride in knowing that I mastered a new skill. I could pass the exam and explore my options in actually using it to teach some classes and have some fun. Who knows? I know that today, I'm nervous but proud of myself for making a commitment to take the test.
