Tuesday, April 2, 2013

2013 SAAM Day of Action - Possible Sexual Assault Triggers

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM), and April 2nd is a nationally recognized day of action for the movement. The NSVRC website states that today, "provides an opportunity for prevention advocates to engage with their communities." And here I write. I can share a blog entry. I feel a deep urge to participate today, and while I didn't plan to attend a march or speak to a group, I have this blog. My gift is small, but it feels good to give anything.

I read a lot of blogs about sexual assault, and I've yet to fully agree or disagree with anyone's guesses on why it happens or what we can do to keep it from happening. There are so many opinions out there. There's also a ton of information and statistics that detail how incredibly harmful the issue is for all humans. The psychological studies are fascinating, though depressing.

My opinions are based on my experiences as a sexual assault survivor, and my experiences with rape culture.

I'm a survivor of several types of sexual abuse and assault. I am friends with several women who are also survivors of multiples types. I'm friends with women who were sexually abused as children but still cannot acknowledge that it happened. I'm friends with women who were sexually assaulted as adults, but still hold themselves accountable despite clearly saying, "NO!"

I imagine that many young women exhibit the same patterns that I followed. Following my first sexual assault as a woman (15 years old), I began to believe that men were going to take my body no matter how I acted or what I wore. I had tried dressing sexily to get attention from the boys. According to everything I was watching on TV, the only way to get power was to be desired, and then manipulate those who desire you. When my stepdad called me slutty, and other parents told their kids that I was going to be raped if I didn't wear more modest clothing, I figured I'd better straighten up. I didn't want to get raped! So I wore jeans and t-shirts for a while.

I was wearing plaid pajama pants and an oversized t-shirt when I was first sexually assaulted as a young adult. So I learned that I couldn't dress to avoid rape. I learned that something else must be wrong with me. I was trying to be the powerful one, but somehow this guy had taken control in so many ways. There was some other weakness that men could pick up on, so I had to be stronger.

Here's where I made the shift that I thought would keep me safe. I took my new label as "slut" and embraced it with passion. If I couldn't physically keep myself safe from sexual assault, then I'd keep myself safe with an attitude. An attitude that focused on women having as much right to sleep around as men. A belief that I enjoyed taking advantage of men the way that many took advantage of women. If I got too drunk and woke up after a one-night stand, I could just convince myself that I'd been the one to initiate the sexual encounter. If I were enjoying touching or kissing, and then the guy wanted to go farther, it was easier to pretend to be a nymphomaniac than to come up with a reason to ask him to stop. It was very simple to convince myself that I always wanted sex. In this way, no sex was ever assault, because even if I'd said no, I was just mistaken - I always wanted sex.

I don't have any one person or event to blame for the ways I've mistreated my mind and body in the past. I don't even regret most of my meaningless sexual encounters, though I do regret not seeing the true motivations behind them in those moments. I regret that most of us don't see our true motivations in each moment. I'm sure that my assaulters could have made different decisions if they'd taken a few moments to examine their true motives. They were never trying to accomplish a goal like, "Force myself on this young woman and give her years of restless sleep, nightmares, guilty and conflicting feelings, PTSD." Something else was going on there.

So while I've moved forward with my life in many ways, attended therapy and worked through many of my sexual assault issues, and even entered an incredibly safe and loving marriage - I'm also stuck back in time with that rapist, and the several assaulters who came after him. I'm hoping that everyone can stop yelling at each other. Stop blaming victims for being raped simply because they dressed a certain way or had too much to drink (raise your hand if you had to experiment to discover your limits - or that your limit is NO alcohol). And stop screaming at rapists to die or to cut off their own genitalia. We're living in a really confusing society and are descendant from beings who had to rely on their physical instincts for everything. No, I do not forgive perpetrators of sexual violence - but I do wish that they had access to more affordable, less stigmatized mental health care.

This entry is jumpy. I have so many other thoughts that bounce off these, and simply writing this out has gotten a ton of things stirring around in my head that had been resting complacently for a while. My action this afternoon is to sit with these thoughts and offer my love to each one. It's a Day of Action, even if that action is inaction.

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